Episode 114: The Science Behind Why We Can't 'Get Over' Loss And How to Grieve with Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor

Listen to Episode 114 with Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor →

When Grief Feels Like Survival

You reach for your phone to call someone who died. The impulse happens automatically before you consciously remember they're gone. Certain memories trigger overwhelming emotions years after your loss occurred. You wonder why you can't just "get over it" already.

What if grief operates through the same brain circuits as hunger?

Understanding why grief feels so physical helps normalize your experience. Why someone still reaches for the phone instinctively. Or why certain memories trigger intense emotions years later. This provides valuable insight for those helping others through grief. Or for those wanting to understand grief better themselves.

Today we're diving into the neuroscience behind grief and loss.

Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor joins me to discuss grief specifically. To discuss how grief isn't just an emotional response. But a complex learning process as our brains adapt. As our brains adapt to a fundamentally changed reality.

She introduces the critical distinction between grief and grieving clearly. Highlighting how our attachment patterns influence our grief journey. Her fascinating research on yearning reveals something important about biology. This powerful sensation activates the same brain regions. Involved with other basic survival needs like hunger and thirst. Explaining why the feeling can be so intense.

We also discuss how avoidance and rumination interfere with healing. And that the intensity and frequency of grief waves change. As part of the natural grieving process over time.

Whether you're currently navigating grief, supporting someone who is struggling. Or simply preparing for inevitable losses we all face. This episode will help you understand why healing isn't "getting over." But an ever-evolving process that fundamentally changes our reality permanently.

Understanding Grief as Biology

To think about grief, first think about love and bonding. Because that is what gets lost through death or separation. That is what gets broken when someone dies. This frames everything we'll discuss about grief's neuroscience today.

The physical nature of grief surprises people expecting only emotions. Grief feels physical in your body, not just emotional. Your body responds with exhaustion, pain, heaviness throughout your system. Your nervous system responds as if to physical threat. This is a biological survival response, not just psychological distress.

Reaching for the phone represents your brain's learned patterns persisting. That automatic impulse to call someone who's gone happens. This isn't forgetting they died or being in denial. It's your brain's learned pattern still running automatically. Your neural pathways take time to relearn the new reality.

Understanding the Biology of Trauma® reveals grief's impact on your system. Grief activates your nervous system like trauma does sometimes. Your brain must adapt to fundamentally changed reality without them. This adaptation process requires time and tremendous biological energy. The learning happens at the cellular and neural level.

Grief Versus Grieving

The critical distinction between grief and grieving changes everything about expectations. Dr. O'Connor makes this clear through her neuroscience research. Grief is the immediate response to loss you feel. Grieving is the adaptation process happening over months and years.

Grief represents your immediate response to loss when it happens. The pain, the yearning, the disbelief you experience initially. This is grief—the acute response to separation from someone. Your brain registering that something essential is missing now.

Grieving represents the adaptation process over time that follows grief. Of adapting to the reality of loss over months. Of learning to live in a world without that person. Your brain rewiring itself around their permanent absence gradually.

Attachment patterns matter because they influence your grief journey significantly. How you bonded with that person affects how you grieve. Secure attachment grieves differently than insecure attachment patterns do. Your early bonding experiences shape your loss responses later.

The Neuroscience of Yearning

The research on yearning that Dr. O'Connor conducted reveals something profound. Shows yearning activates specific brain regions surprisingly. The same regions involved with other basic survival needs. Not the regions involved with addiction or psychological dependency.

Brain regions that activate when you yearn for someone include survival. When you yearn for someone who has died intensely. Specific regions light up related to seeking and attachment. Related to survival needs your brain treats as essential. This explains yearning's intensity that feels almost unbearable sometimes.

Yearning functions like hunger or thirst in your brain's survival. This is a key insight: yearning resembles hunger more than addiction. More than addiction to substances or behaviors that harm. It's a survival drive seeking what your brain needs. Not a psychological weakness requiring you to stop feeling.

Why yearning is so intense becomes clear through this understanding. Because it taps into survival circuitry in your brain. Your brain treats the lost person like a survival need. That's why yearning feels so overwhelming and physically painful. Your survival system seeks the bond it requires for safety.

Avoidance, Rumination, and Healing

Avoidance interferes with your brain's natural healing process from loss. Your brain needs to process the loss and adapt. To adapt to the new reality without that person. Avoidance blocks this essential adaptation process from occurring naturally.

Rumination interferes by keeping you stuck in repetitive thought loops. Constant rumination also interferes with adaptation happening. Getting stuck in loops without moving through grief stages. Prevents your brain from adapting and learning the new reality.

The balance needed involves feeling grief without avoiding it completely. Without avoiding the pain that comes in waves. But also not getting stuck in constant rumination patterns. The balance between feeling and moving supports healing best.

Intensity and frequency change as part of normal grieving patterns. The intensity of grief waves changes over time naturally. The frequency changes too as months and years pass. This is part of normal grieving, not forgetting them. Just adapting your brain to the permanent loss reality.

Healing as Adaptation

Healing isn't "getting over" loss because that person was real. It's learning to live with the reality of loss. Carrying the love forward in a different form. Your relationship with the loss continues to change over time.

An ever-evolving process describes grieving more accurately than stages do. Not a linear path from pain to acceptance. Not a destination you arrive at and finish completely. Your relationship with the loss continues to change and evolve.

Fundamentally changed reality results from losing someone important to you. Loss fundamentally changes your reality and your world permanently. Your world is different without them in it daily. Your brain must adapt to this new reality completely. This is what grieving is—neural adaptation to permanent change.

Supporting the process happens through allowing feelings without judgment. By allowing feelings to come when they arise. Staying present in your body and current moment. Avoiding both avoidance and rumination extremes. Connecting with support and taking care of your body.

This Episode Is For:

✓ People currently navigating grief and loss ✓ Anyone supporting someone through grief ✓ Those wanting to understand the neuroscience of grief ✓ Practitioners working with grieving clients ✓ People preparing for inevitable future losses ✓ Anyone who's wondered why grief feels so physical ✓ Those needing to understand why you can't just "get over" loss

What You'll Learn

Listen to understand the neuroscience behind why we can't "get over" loss. Learn how grief is a complex learning process. As your brain adapts to fundamentally changed reality permanently. Discover the crucial distinction between grief and grieving. Why healing isn't about moving on but carrying love forward.

Your yearning isn't weakness but your brain's survival system seeking essential bonds.

Listen to Episode 114 with Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor →

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The information shared reflects my clinical expertise and research, but every person's biology and healing journey is unique. Always consult with qualified healthcare providers before making changes to your treatment plan or starting new interventions. If you're experiencing a mental health crisis, please contact emergency services or a crisis helpline immediately.

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