Episode 13: Why Does Trauma Make it Difficult for Us to Say, "I Don't Know?" (Part 1) with Bette Lamont

Listen to Episode 13 with Bette Lamont →

When Three Words Feel Impossible

Someone asks you a question. You don't know the answer. Your chest tightens. Your mind races searching for something to say, anything to say, rather than admitting the truth.

"I don't know" feels dangerous. Your body won't let the words out. So you guess, deflect, or fake confidence you don't feel.

You think this is pride or perfectionism. You judge yourself for not being able to just admit when you don't know something.

But saying "I don't know" feels dangerous when you have a Biology of Trauma®. That's not a character flaw but a protective pattern learned in early development.

Bette Lamont from NeuroDevelopmental Movement joins me today. We explore why admitting you don't know something triggers such fear and how this pattern gets wired into children's nervous systems.

The Fear Behind Not Knowing

For some people, these three words feel impossible. Not because they're prideful or stubborn but because their body learned that not knowing meant danger.

What happened when you didn't know something as a child? Were you shamed for asking questions? Were you dismissed when you needed help? Were you punished for not understanding? Were you expected to figure everything out alone? Was vulnerability met with contempt or impatience?

Your nervous system remembers. It logged every experience where not knowing brought consequences. Where asking for help led to rejection. Where admitting confusion made you a target.

Now, decades later, your body still treats "I don't know" as a threat to your safety. The response happens automatically before your conscious mind gets involved. Your nervous system activates to protect you from the vulnerability of not knowing.

This isn't about your current reality but about what your biology learned was necessary for survival.

How This Pattern Gets Wired Early

This response gets programmed during critical development windows. Children learn quickly whether it's safe to not know. Whether asking for help brings support or shame. Whether adults respond with patience or frustration.

Bette explains how these patterns form in the developing brain. When a child repeatedly experiences negative consequences for not knowing, their nervous system adapts. It creates protective strategies to avoid that vulnerability.

The adaptations include pretending to know when you don't, avoiding situations where you might not have answers, becoming perfectionistic to prevent being caught not knowing, developing hypervigilance around appearing competent, and shutting down when confusion arises.

These strategies worked. They kept you safer as a child. They helped you navigate an environment where not knowing brought pain. Your nervous system was doing exactly what it needed to do.

But that childhood pattern still runs today. It shows up in your relationships where you can't ask for help. It shows up in your work where you struggle to say you need support. It shows up in your ability to learn and grow because real learning requires admitting what you don't know.

The Cost of This Protection

Pretending to know blocks real learning. You can't learn what you won't admit you don't understand. You can't grow if you're always performing competence.

This protection creates shame because you feel like a fraud. You know you're faking it. You're exhausted from the performance. You're isolated because you can't let people see you struggle.

It keeps you from getting the help you actually need. When you can't say "I don't know," you can't ask questions. When you can't ask questions, you stay stuck. When you stay stuck, the shame deepens.

The pattern that once protected you now limits you. It prevents intimacy because true connection requires vulnerability. It blocks collaboration because working with others means admitting when you need support. It stunts your development because growth happens at the edge of what you don't yet know.

Your body is still protecting the child who learned not knowing wasn't safe. But you're not that child anymore. You need different strategies now. You need your nervous system to learn that "I don't know" can be safe.

Understanding Changes What's Possible

When you understand this is a Biology of Trauma® response rather than a character flaw, something shifts. You can have compassion for the child who learned to hide confusion. You can recognize the protection your nervous system provided.

And you can begin teaching your body that not knowing is safe now. That asking for help doesn't bring danger. That vulnerability can lead to connection rather than shame.

This isn't a quick fix but a rewiring process. Your nervous system needs new experiences repeated over time. It needs evidence that "I don't know" doesn't lead to the consequences it learned to expect.

Bette and I discuss how these neurodevelopmental patterns can change. How your brain maintains plasticity throughout life. How the wiring that happened in childhood can be updated with new information.

This Episode Is For:

✓ People who struggle to admit when they don't know something 

✓ Anyone whose childhood made vulnerability feel dangerous 

✓ Those who fake confidence to hide confusion 

✓ Practitioners working with perfectionistic clients who can't ask for help 

✓ Anyone exhausted from always having to have the answer 

✓ People ready to understand the developmental roots of this pattern

What You'll Learn

Listen to understand why "I don't know" feels so threatening. Discover how early development created this protective pattern. Learn how this childhood adaptation still impacts your adult life.

Your difficulty saying "I don't know" makes sense. It's been keeping you safe.

Listen to Episode 13 with Bette Lamont →

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The information shared reflects my clinical expertise and research, but every person's biology and healing journey is unique. Always consult with qualified healthcare providers before making changes to your treatment plan or starting new interventions. If you're experiencing a mental health crisis, please contact emergency services or a crisis helpline immediately.

Join the Conversation

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode. What resonated with you? What questions came up?

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