Episode 146: How Attachment Affects Us For Life: 6 Childhood Pains and How to Repair

Listen to Episode 146 →

More Than Relationship Patterns

Many people struggle with anxiety, relationship patterns, or chronic health issues. Without realizing these challenges stem from attachment trauma stored in the body. Attachment isn't just about relationship styles or emotional patterns alone.

It lives in our nervous system, immune system, and cellular biology. Creating survival mechanisms that formed before we could even walk. These patterns developed pre-verbally before conscious memory could form.

In this episode, I reveal how attachment trauma begins in utero and shapes three distinct childhood survival styles showing up in life today. I share my own rocking chair moment with my adopted son Miguel.

Explaining how that experience led me to discover three critical elements that create secure or insecure attachment: attunement, neurodevelopment, and biology. You'll learn about the six types of attachment pain from "hold me" to "love me."

And discover why people-pleasing, perfectionism, chronic overwhelm, and even autoimmune conditions trace back to these early survival adaptations.

Whether you're a professional working with attachment issues, recognizing your own patterns, or a parent wanting to break intergenerational cycles in your family, this episode bridges conventional psychology with nervous system regulation and functional medicine.

The Rocking Chair Moment

When my five-year-old adopted son told me he would kill me tomorrow while I held him like a baby, I realized his survival depended on protecting his heart, not connecting.

"For him, survival meant protecting his heart." Not connecting with me or anyone else around him safely.

That rocking chair moment launched six years of searching for answers. That revealed attachment isn't just psychological, it's biological in your system.

The Three Critical Elements

Your attachment foundation formed through three critical elements. Attunement through co-regulation, neurodevelopment through physical milestones, and biology through neurochemistry. Gaps in any one of these elements create attachment pain that requires repair across all three levels for complete healing.

Element 1: Attunement is co-regulation through touch and responsiveness. The trust cycle builds security when babies experience repeated patterns. Need, dysregulation, need met, regulation, connection happening consistently over time. They develop inborn trust that "when I have a need, I'm okay because they always come to meet my needs reliably."

Without enough repetitions of this trust cycle, the body stores the belief that survival depends on protection. Rather than connection with others around you for safety.

Element 2: Neurodevelopment happens through movement milestones like tummy time and crawling. These aren't just physical achievements but create neurological integration throughout brain. Gaps create anxiety, ADHD, and sensory issues developing over time. Many who skipped crawling have sensory integration issues persisting into adulthood.

Element 3: Biology is the balance of neurotransmitters in your system. Oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin promote connection and bonding with others. Cortisol, adrenaline, and norepinephrine promote survival and protection from threat. The balance between these determines your default state operating beneath awareness.

The Rope Test

The Rope Test reveals whether you pull people close, push away, or feel confused in relationships when your survival feels threatened. These aren't conscious choices but stored patterns from childhood survival.

Anxious attachment pulls close, clinging when feeling threatened by separation. Avoidant attachment pushes away, creating distance when feeling threatened by closeness. Disorganized attachment feels confused, wanting closeness but also fearing it.

Whether pulling close or pushing away, both responses come from protection mode, not connection mode with others.

The Six Sequential Attachment Pains

Each pain represents a developmental stage from birth through age seven. Each creates specific thoughts, feelings, physical symptoms, and coping mechanisms persisting.

Hold Me (birth to months) is early holding needs and physical containment. When unmet, creates global high intensity activation pattern throughout system. IBS and autoimmunity connect to "hold me" attachment pain stored.

Hear Me (first year) is when your needs weren't heard appropriately. You learned to rescue others while feeling empty inside yourself. Food issues and emotional eating link to "hear me" attachment pain.

Support Me (second year) is movement support gaps when learning independence. Creates "I can't" default thinking and chronic overwhelm feeling too much. Everything feels too hard to accomplish on your own.

See Me (age three) is being different and unique during individuation stage. When you weren't seen for your true self but had to perform. Creates existential anxiety about whether you really exist.

Understand Me (age four-five) is being understood, not just seen superficially. Feeling drained when people don't understand you requiring constant explanation. Back pain flare-ups and stomach ulcers signal "understand me" insecurity.

Love Me (age six-seven) is when love felt conditional requiring earning. Perfectionism as strategy believing if I'm perfect, I'll be loved. High inner anxiety with constant fear of being fundamentally unlovable.

Why Chronic Illness Connects

Physical symptoms aren't random but trace to stored attachment pain. IBS and autoimmunity connect to "hold me" attachment pain earliest. Food issues and emotional eating link to "hear me" attachment pain. Back pain and stomach ulcers signal "understand me" attachment insecurity.

These aren't random patterns but the body's downstream response to unresolved attachment trauma living in your nervous system.

You Can Have Great Parents

"You can have had great parents and still have these patterns. Still have these survival patterns from your childhood experiences."

This isn't about blaming parents for what happened. Biological vulnerabilities, temperament, birth trauma, and health issues all affect attachment.

Everything Is Filtered

"Everything that I experience today is filtered through my attachment foundation formed in childhood affecting me now."

Your attachment lens colors all current experiences you have daily. "If I don't change my filter, I will continue to recreate the same pain for life."

True Repair Requires All Three Levels

Must address body, mind, and biology simultaneously for complete healing. Each attachment pain type requires specific repair work tailored specifically. Not one-size-fits-all but individualized to your unique pain patterns.

Integration creates lasting change that persists beyond treatment. Single-level work hits walls without addressing all three together.

This Episode Is For: 

✓ People with anxiety and relationship struggles

✓ Anyone with chronic health conditions unexplained

✓ Professionals working with attachment issues

✓ Parents wanting to break intergenerational cycles

✓ Those recognizing people-pleasing or perfectionism patterns

✓ Anyone interested in attachment theory and biology

✓ Practitioners whose clients hit walls with talk therapy

✓ People ready for comprehensive attachment healing

What You'll Learn

Listen to Dr. Aimie share the rocking chair moment with Miguel who said he would kill her tomorrow, revealing survival meant protecting his heart. Learn how attachment trauma lives in your body's cells and immune system. The three critical elements creating secure or insecure attachment foundation. The Rope Test revealing whether you pull close, push away, or feel confused. Six sequential attachment pains from birth through age seven creating patterns. How chronic illness traces to stored attachment pain in specific ways. Why you can have great parents and still have survival patterns. How everything you experience today is filtered through your attachment foundation. And why true repair requires addressing all three levels simultaneously.

Attachment is biological—six pains live in your nervous system affecting you today.

Listen to Episode 146 →

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The information shared reflects my clinical expertise and research, but every person's biology and healing journey is unique. Always consult with qualified healthcare providers before making changes to your treatment plan or starting new interventions. If you're experiencing a mental health crisis, please contact emergency services or a crisis helpline immediately.

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