Episode 76: Polyvagal Theory: Become an Active Operator of Your Nervous System During Grief with Deb Dana

Listen to Episode 76 with Deb Dana →

When Grief Doesn't Follow the Expected Path

You lost someone important and your grief doesn't look like what you expected. Some days you can function normally while other days you can barely get out of bed. People tell you grief has stages but your experience doesn't match those neat descriptions.

What if how you process grief depends more on your nervous system state than on following predictable stages?

Grief looks different for everyone because how you process loss depends on your trauma history and your nervous system state before the loss occurred. Understanding your polyvagal responses to grief helps you work with your body rather than judging yourself for grieving "wrong."

Deb Dana joins me today as a leading polyvagal therapist and expert in applying Polyvagal Theory to healing work. We discuss grief through the nervous system lens by exploring what Dorsal Days are and how you work with these shutdown days to create meaningful life after devastating loss.

Understanding Your Nervous System's Grief Response

How do you know which way you experience grief when it doesn't follow expected patterns? Your nervous system's particular patterns determine how grief manifests in your body and emotions. Understanding these patterns helps you move through loss with more self-compassion and appropriate support rather than forcing yourself into someone else's grief timeline.

The nervous system has three organizing principles through the polyvagal lens including ventral vagal for safety and connection, sympathetic for mobilization and fight-flight, and dorsal vagal for shutdown and conservation. These three pathways influence your unique journey through grief. Everyone's nervous system responds to loss differently based on which pathways are most accessible and which are most habitual.

What not to ask someone who's grieving matters because certain questions harm more than they help people in acute grief. Deb explains what to avoid saying to grieving people including questions about whether they're feeling better yet or suggestions that they should be over it by now. What actually supports someone in grief involves bearing witness to their pain without trying to fix or rush it.

Understanding the Biology of Trauma® alongside Polyvagal Theory reveals why grief activates specific nervous system states based on your history. If trauma taught you to shut down when overwhelmed, grief will likely activate dorsal shutdown. If trauma wired you for hypervigilance, grief might manifest as anxious activation. Your nervous system uses the pathways it knows best even during grief.

Becoming an Active Operator

The key question that helps you become an active operator of your nervous system rather than a passive victim of its responses changes everything about how you experience grief. Deb shares this specific question that shifts you from feeling controlled by your nervous system reactions to participating consciously with them. This doesn't mean controlling or suppressing your grief but understanding and working with what's happening in your body.

Your nervous system uses a surprising equation to calculate your grief reactions based on specific factors including your attachment security, your trauma history, your current stress levels, and your physical health status before the loss. Understanding this equation removes shame about how you're grieving because you recognize your responses make sense given these variables.

Why dysregulation during grief is normal and expected helps you stop judging yourself for not functioning well after loss. Grief dysregulates your nervous system profoundly because loss threatens the attachment bonds your nervous system depends on for regulation. This dysregulation isn't failure or weakness but the predictable biological response to attachment rupture. The key becomes returning to regulation repeatedly rather than avoiding dysregulation entirely.

Your preexisting nervous system state before the loss profoundly impacts how you experience and process grief. Were you already regulated and feeling safe before the loss? Or were you dysregulated from other stressors and trauma? This preexisting state shapes everything about your grief journey because you're processing loss from whatever baseline your nervous system occupied when the loss occurred.

Understanding Dorsal Days

What your nervous system needs most during grief is safety and connection even when you want to isolate completely. Deb shares how your system requires co-regulation from safe others to find its way back from the depths of dorsal shutdown. You can't regulate yourself alone when grief has pushed you into profound dorsal collapse because that's when you most need the nervous system regulation that relationship provides.

Understanding Dorsal Days as a specific grief phenomenon helps you work with these shutdown experiences rather than fighting them or feeling ashamed. Some grief days are simply dorsal vagal shutdown days where your entire system collapses into immobilization and conservation. Your system shuts down because the pain feels too great to process while fully conscious. Understanding these days as biology rather than personal failure allows you to move through them with more compassion.

The role of glimmers in grief recovery provides hope even during the darkest periods. Glimmers are micro-moments of ventral vagal regulation and connection that happen even in profound grief. Small signals of safety like a moment of beauty in nature, a kind word from a friend, or a brief feeling of peace matter enormously for your nervous system. They help your system find pathways back to regulation by showing that safety and connection still exist even after devastating loss.

Working with Dorsal Days means recognizing when your system needs shutdown rather than activation. Some days require you to honor the collapse and rest your nervous system. Other days you can gently encourage small movements toward ventral through glimmers and safe connection. Learning to read which your system needs on any given day helps you support your healing rather than pushing yourself in ways that create more overwhelm.

Creating Life After Loss

Creating life after loss involves more than just surviving grief or getting through it. You can actually build meaningful life on the other side of devastating loss when you understand your nervous system's journey through grief. This requires recognizing your polyvagal patterns, working with them compassionately, building capacity for both grief and regulation, and gradually expanding your window of tolerance for difficult emotions.

The integration of Polyvagal Theory with grief work provides a roadmap for navigating loss without pathologizing your responses. When you understand that dorsal shutdown days are biological responses rather than depression, you can work with them appropriately. When you recognize sympathetic activation as your system mobilizing to fight the reality of loss, you can support that energy constructively. When you experience ventral moments, you can savor them as signs your system is finding safety again.

Deb emphasizes that becoming an active operator of your nervous system during grief doesn't mean controlling your feelings or rushing your process. It means understanding what's happening in your body, recognizing which nervous system state you're in, responding appropriately to what your system needs in that moment, and trusting that your nervous system is doing its best to help you survive overwhelming loss.

The practical application of this understanding means tracking your nervous system states during grief, noticing what helps you shift between states when needed, gathering glimmers that support ventral regulation, accepting Dorsal Days without shame, and seeking safe relationships for co-regulation when you're too dysregulated to self-regulate alone.

Understanding grief through the polyvagal lens transforms how you support yourself or others through loss. You recognize that grief responses reflect nervous system biology rather than character flaws. You work with your body's wisdom rather than forcing yourself to grieve according to external timelines. You create space for both the depths of dorsal shutdown and the heights of ventral connection as your system processes the reality of permanent loss.

This Episode Is For:

✓ People actively grieving significant losses 

✓ Anyone supporting someone who's grieving 

✓ Those whose grief feels stuck or wrong 

✓ Practitioners helping clients navigate loss through a nervous system lens 

✓ Anyone experiencing Dorsal Days and needing understanding 

✓ People ready to become active operators of their nervous system during grief

What You'll Learn

Listen to understand how your nervous system processes grief through polyvagal pathways and why becoming an active operator of your responses helps you create life after loss. Discover what Dorsal Days are and how to work with them compassionately. Learn about glimmers and why these micro-moments of regulation matter enormously during grief.

Your grief responses reflect your nervous system's biology rather than how much you loved the person you lost.

Listen to Episode 76 with Deb Dana →

Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The information shared reflects my clinical expertise and research, but every person's biology and healing journey is unique. Always consult with qualified healthcare providers before making changes to your treatment plan or starting new interventions. If you're experiencing a mental health crisis, please contact emergency services or a crisis helpline immediately.

Join the Conversation

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode. What resonated with you? What questions came up?

Please keep comments respectful and supportive. This is a community of people committed to healing. We welcome diverse perspectives and honest questions, but we don't tolerate personal attacks, spam, or content that could harm others on their healing journey.