Episode 174: How to Grieve Without Getting Stuck: 7 Principles for Feeling Grief in Your Body After Loss

"I am not done grieving. But I am grieving, the verb. I'm not getting stuck in the grief."

— Dr. Aimie Apigian

One week after her unexpected loss, Dr. Aimie Apigian sat down to record this episode — not because she had it figured out, but because the small things in grief end up being the big things. In this personal episode, Dr. Aimie Apigian shares seven principles for grieving without getting stuck. She walks through attachment grief, heart shock, somatic practices, and toxic positivity.

Key Takeaways:

• Grief can settle in as a state the body gets stuck in.

• Grieving is a verb the body moves through when given the right conditions.

• Heart shock layers on top of grief when loss is unexpected.

• Attachment style shapes how a person grieves.

• Letting the body be held is a physical practice in grief.

• The body gets cold during the shutdown phase of the trauma response.

• Feeding grief means scrolling old photos and rehearsing the never-agains.

• Numbing through food, scrolling, or alcohol blocks the feelings that need to move.

• Toxic positivity bypasses the feelings grief needs to complete.

• The right person for grief stays in the wave without trying to rescue.

In This Episode You'll Learn:

• 01:00 — Who was Amada and how did she become Dr. Aimie's family? 

• 04:45 — What is the difference between grief and heart shock? 

• 07:40 — Principle 1: Why does your grieving style depend on your attachment style?

• 15:00 — Principle 2: What does it mean to let your body be held during grief? 

• 21:50 — Principle 3: How do you anchor to life when the shock wears off? 

• 27:36 — Principle 4: What is the difference between feeling grief and feeding grief?

• 36:00 — Principle 5: Why does choosing not to numb matter in grief? 

• 39:40 — Principle 6: How do you move from your thoughts into your body during grief?

• 45:40 — Principle 7: Why does riding the biggest waves require the right person? 

Notable Quotes

Dr. Aimie Apigian:

"I only teach what I live. This episode is me pulling back the curtain."

"Let your body be held. This is not a metaphor. This is actual practice."

"Your body knows how to grieve. It knows how to move through this and not get stuck in grief."

"I'd rather have that now than the grief that sits there and has made me very sick in the past."

Episode Takeaway

If you came to this episode while carrying your own loss, here is what most miss. Your body knows how to grieve. The work is to give it the conditions to do that. The seven principles in this episode are how I am doing that in real time. They come from the Biology of Trauma® framework. Inside the Foundational Journey, the skills underneath these principles are exactly where we begin. Skills first. Capacity second. The grieving moves through the body when the body has what it needs.

Resources/Guides:

• Read The Biology of Trauma, Chapter 5: The Whole-Body Experience of Overwhelm. Goes deeper into the vagus nerve, diaphragm, breath, and gut shutdown referenced in this episode. This is the biology underneath every principle Dr. Aimie shares.

• Program: Foundational Journey. A six-week online process working directly with the nervous system. Teaches the somatic-support skills Dr. Aimie used in this episode. All in sequence. Back support, weighted support, the soften-into-the-hold practice.

• Steps to Identify and Heal Trauma: A Roadmap for Healing. A 23-page guide and assessment quiz to help you recognize whether your body is carrying stored trauma. Use grief as one of the windows. 

• Dr. Aimie's Grief Song. Safe to Grieve

  
  

Related Podcast Episodes:

• Episode 73: Early Attachment Shocks: How Unexpected Stressors Can Cause Developmental Trauma & What To Do

• Episode 76: Polyvagal Theory: Become an Active Operator of Your Nervous System During Grief with Deb Dana

• Episode 105: How Anxiety, Depression & Trauma Reactions May Be From Mold and Heavy Metals with Kirkland Newman

• Episode 117: How Movement Can Heal Stored Trauma, Grief and Emotions with Paul Denniston

• The Biology Behind It: How Movement Can Heal Stored Trauma, Grief & Emotions

• The Biology Behind It: Grief and Gut Health

• The Biology Behind It: Why Empaths Get Stuck in Grief and How to Move Through It

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Why Grief Gets Stuck in the Body: How to Grieve Without Getting Stuck

You can know exactly what your body needs to grieve and still find yourself stuck. That gap is biological. Your body is running an old response.

When grief hits with that much force, your nervous system runs an old pattern. It runs the trauma response. The loss is the trigger. The body's response is the message.

This is the lens Dr. Aimie Apigian walks through in episode 174 of The Biology of Trauma® Podcast. After losing her dog Amada unexpectedly to lymphoma, she shares seven principles she is actively applying. These neuroscience and trauma-healing principles are how she is grieving without getting stuck in the grief. The episode is her own lived practice, recorded in real time as she goes through the grief.

Why Does Grief Get Stuck in the Body?

Grief gets stuck when the body cannot complete the trauma response. Numbing, distraction, and unmet attachment needs all block the completion.

Your nervous system runs a five-step trauma response. Chapter 1 of The Biology of Trauma names them. Startle, stress, the wall, freeze, shutdown. Loss triggers this same response. The body needs to move through each step to complete the cycle.

When something blocks the completion, the body stays in the response. The shutdown phase becomes the new baseline. Chronic dorsal vagal tone. Cold body. Flat affect. Disrupted sleep. Gut shutdown.

This is the difference between grief and grieving. Grief is the state when the response cannot complete. Grieving is the verb the body uses when the conditions are right.

What Is the Difference Between Grief and Heart Shock?

Grief is the felt absence of someone we are attached to. Heart shock is the body's response when loss is unexpected and the nervous system was not prepared.

Dr. Aimie describes what she is sitting with as more than grief. Amada's lymphoma came without warning. From a normal week to losing her in days. The body did not have time to anticipate. The nervous system slipped into the trauma response immediately. Shock first. Then shutdown.

Heart shock is recognized in traditional Chinese medicine as a distinct pattern. The biological footprint is consistent with the freeze-and-shock step of the trauma response Dr. Aimie names in her book. The system is in the trauma state. The heart is held in a protective shutdown.

There is also the attachment layer. Amada was not only Dr. Aimie's dog. She was her family. She was her constant companion. She was her sense of stability. Amada walked into every room with Dr. Aimie. That attachment is part of why the grief is the size it is.

Heart shock and grief layered on top of each other is what Dr. Aimie is moving through. Here are the seven principles she is using to grieve without getting stuck.

Principle 1: Why Does Your Grieving Style Depend on Your Attachment Style?

How a person attached is how that same person grieves. Honoring the attachment style is what allows the body to do its work in grief.

Know your grieving style.

Dr. Aimie's primary attachment style is avoidant. She is working toward more secure. Her default in grief is to need space. With other people present, she will tune in to what they need. Her own heart's needs become secondary.

So she communicated by text rather than phone. She sent one morning-after message:

"It is with great sadness that I share that Amada has passed away. Thank you for the love you showed her. Please send her off with your love. I do not need you to do anything. Please do not call. Please just send your love."

Then she put her phone on silent. A few times a day she checked in. She responded as she had the capacity to. That kept the messages from pulling her out of her body.

If your attachment style is anxious, your grieving needs will look different. You may need more contact, more closeness, more reassurance. The principle is the same. Know how you grieve. Make choices around it.

Principle 2: What Does It Mean to Let Your Body Be Held in Grief?

Letting the body be held is full external support. The body softens. Grief can then surface and move through.

Let your body be held.

This is not a metaphor. When the body holds itself up, there is no full softening. Shoulders stay tense. The head stays propped. Feelings surface in the softening. Block the softening and the feelings stay stuck.

Dr. Aimie's setup is a recliner chair that holds her completely. Back support, neck support, shoulder support, feet support. Then weight on top. A weighted blanket goes on her belly. The weight concentrates at the solar plexus. This is where the ribs come together. She calls this area "the window." The density of lymph nodes there holds so much immune response and emotion.

Three to four pounds across her chest. Less than the belly weight. Centered rather than over the heart. The result is a spontaneous deep breath. That breath is the signal of softening. That softening is the reset to safety the body needs to do its grief work.

She does the same at night. Pillows and blankets stuffed in every gap behind her body. The bed holds her. She does not have to hold herself.

The biology behind this is Chapter 5 of The Biology of Trauma. The chapter walks through the vagus nerve, the diaphragm, and the breath. It explains the gut shutdown that creates the cold the body feels in grief.

Principle 3: How Do You Anchor to Life When the Shock Wears Off?

Anchoring to life means surrounding the body with movement, warmth, and color. This keeps the system from collapsing during the shutdown phase.

Anchor to life and aliveness as the shock wears off.

Day one and two were shock. Day three was when the reality landed and shutdown moved in. The body got cold from the inside. Nothing in the house had changed. The temperature was the cold of the shutdown phase of the trauma response.

Dr. Aimie's anchors include very hot showers and warm baths. Hot tea throughout the day. A fire in the middle of the day. Even though it is not winter where she lives. Leg compressors on her calves to provide movement her body does not have to generate. A chair positioned with the fire on one side and the window on the other. Bright pink flowers outside the window attract birds, butterflies, and hummingbirds. Flowers from friends moved into her direct line of sight. Moxa sticks placed on her belly and her sacrum. The warmth brings life into the system.

The fire dances. That is the point. The shutdown phase is where the body can feel hopeless and dead inside. The anchor to life and aliveness is a reminder. This is a phase the body is moving through. It is not a place the body lives.

Principle 4: What Is the Difference Between Feeling Grief and Feeding Grief?

Feeling grief is being present to the wave in the body. Feeding grief is rehearsing past memories or future losses that pull us out of the present.

Feel the grief without feeding the grief. And do not fake the opposite.

Dr. Aimie is very aware of how often her mind wants to feed the grief. A sad song comes on a playlist. The pull is to wallow. She skips the song. No fake-happy override either. Nothing that tries to push the feelings down.

The mind wants to scroll old photos. To rehearse the never-agains. We will never race again. She will never jump in the camera shot again. I will never travel with her again. That is the future. The present is sitting in the recliner with the fire. Intense sadness moves through her body because Amada is not here.

The questions arrive the same way. Why did this have to happen? Why at eight years old? Did I do something? Those questions live in the mind, where the body cannot feel. Behind every why is the sadness of the reality.

Dr. Aimie names this practice by image. A stick floating down a river. She watches the thought go. She brings her attention back to the body.

This is what feeling grief without feeding it looks like.

Principle 5: Why Does Numbing Block Grief From Moving Through?

Numbing blocks the very thing that needs to move. Food, scrolling, alcohol, or busyness keeps grief stuck in the body.

Choose not to numb.

Day one, Dr. Aimie found her old stash of comfort foods. Chocolate and bread together. The combination she would have eaten without question while watching a movie to numb out. This time she put them on the table in front of her. She sat with them.

The craving was for the feeling of numbness. Her body did not actually want food. She did not eat for several days because her stress response shut hunger down completely. She said no to the foods. She waited until her body genuinely felt hungry. That took a full week.

The substitute does not have to be food. It can be scrolling. Shopping. Alcohol. Anything that activates the reward pathway pulls us out of the body. We do not have to feel what the grief feels like.

Sitting with the sensations without numbing, and without wallowing, is what keeps the waves manageable. The waves come. The waves pass. The body moves through them.

Principle 6: How Do You Move From Your Thoughts Into Your Body in Grief?

Moving from thoughts into body means returning attention to present-moment sensations. The mind will pull toward analysis, story, or toxic positivity.

Get out of your thoughts and into your body.

Toxic positivity belongs in this principle. Many people will try to make a grieving person feel better. They mean well. She is in a better place now. Think of all the good times. What a wonderful dog mom you were.

That language bypasses the feelings that need to be felt. The body needs those feelings to do its work. Someone else's grief is uncomfortable to be with. Especially if a person has not learned to grieve their own life. The discomfort drives the rescue.

The natural positive thoughts will arrive on their own as the grieving moves. They do not need to be forced.

Dr. Aimie also names a smaller practice in this principle. Remapping the neural pathways attached to Amada. The walk that used to be with Amada. The airport security routine with Amada's gear in the bag. The bag check that no longer needs the leash and the poop bags. Those moments are not for sinking into the story. They are for forming a new experience. The experience is no longer coupled with the memory.

On her first walk after the loss, she put on a podcast. Something she never did when she was walking Amada because Amada had her full attention.

Principle 7: Why Does Riding the Biggest Waves Require the Right Person?

The right person for grief stays in the wave with us. They do not try to rescue or redirect. They do not flinch.

Ride the waves with the right person.

Most of grief is solo work for Dr. Aimie because of her attachment style. For the biggest waves, she calls a very specific kind of friend. These are the waves she is not sure she can ride alone.

This is not just anyone. This is someone who can hold the space of the wave without trying to rescue. They do not ask how are you doing. They do not offer hope. They do not talk about anything else to distract. They do not redirect. They are simply there. When the wave passes, they are still there. They did not flinch.

The phone calls last 90 seconds to two minutes. That is enough.

If you do not have that kind of person in your life yet, that is okay. Dr. Aimie did not have one for a long time. She did not know what it was supposed to look like. The more nervous system work you do, the more you draw that kind of friend. They start showing up in your life. And the more you become that kind of friend for someone else.

How Do You Know If You Are Grieving Without Getting Stuck?

Grieving without getting stuck means the body is moving through the trauma response instead of staying in shutdown. The seven principles in this episode are how Dr. Aimie is doing it.

The signs are biological. Spontaneous deep breaths arrive as the body softens. The cold inside warms. Hunger returns. Sleep deepens. Tears come when they need to come, and they pass when they pass. The mind drops back into the body more often than it spins above it.

The signs are also relational. You text the friends who can hold the wave. You let the messages from people who want to fix it stay on silent until you have the capacity to respond. You communicate what you need. You give yourself the time you need.

Inside the Biology of Trauma® framework, this is the difference between Disruption that completes and Disruption that becomes Dysregulation. The seven principles in this episode are how Dr. Aimie is choosing the completing path. They come from the framework she has taught for years. This time she is living them on camera.

FAQ

1. Is grief a trauma response? 

   
   

Grief activates the same five-step trauma response described in Chapter 1 of The Biology of Trauma. Startle, stress, the wall, freeze, shutdown. When the loss is unexpected, the system moves into shock first. Shutdown follows as the reality lands. The body holds the response until it completes.

2. What is heart shock? 

   
   

Heart shock is the body's response when loss arrives without warning. The nervous system was not prepared. The shock layers on top of the grief. Recognized in traditional Chinese medicine as a distinct pattern, heart shock maps biologically onto the freeze-and-shock step of the body's trauma response.

3. Why does the body get cold in grief? 

   
   

During the shutdown phase, circulation, metabolism, and energy production all slow down. This happens as part of the body's trauma response. The internal coldness is a physiological signature of that state. Chapter 5 of The Biology of Trauma covers the biology in depth.

4. Why do I grieve differently from other people? 

   
   

How a person attached is how that same person grieves. Avoidant attachment tends to need space and solo processing. Anxious attachment tends to need more contact and closeness. Disorganized attachment can swing between the two. There is no right way to grieve. There is only the way that honors your attachment style.

5. Is weighted support actually helpful for grief? 

   
   

Weighted support helps the body soften by removing the work of holding itself up. The softening allows grief to surface, move, and complete in the body. Without it, the grief stays stuck. The weight goes on the belly and chest, not on the heart directly.

6. Can grief make you physically sick? 

   
   

   Yes. Grief that stays stuck in the body keeps the trauma response running over time. That chronic activation drives inflammation, autonomic dysregulation, and metabolic changes. Dr. Aimie has described how her own past grief contributed to chronic illness in her body. Chapter 5 of The Biology of Trauma covers the whole-body biology.

   
   

7. What is toxic positivity in grief? 

   
   

Toxic positivity is the social move that tries to make a grieving person feel better with quick reframes. "She is in a better place." "Think of the good times." The intent is care. The effect is to bypass the feelings the body needs to feel for the grief to complete.

8. How long does grief last? 

   
   

Grief moves at the pace the body is ready for. There is no fixed timeline. The seven principles in this episode focus on whether grief is moving through as a verb or settling in as a state. Grieving as a verb tends to move through. Stuck grief tends to stay until conditions change.

9. Where do I start if my grief feels stuck?

   
   

Begin with safety in the body. The body needs new internal signals before grief can complete. The Steps to Identify and Heal Trauma guide is a starting point. The Foundational Journey teaches the somatic and biological skills to establish that internal safety in sequence.

Helpful Research

1. Cell Danger Response and Trauma Physiology. Naviaux, R.K. (2014). "Metabolic features of the cell danger response." Mitochondrion, 16, 7-17. Foundational paper describing how cells maintain a defense state long after the original threat has resolved. Provides biological grounding for how the body holds a trauma response after a sudden loss.

2. Polyvagal Theory and the Shutdown State. Porges, S.W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton. Establishes the framework for how the autonomic nervous system detects safety and threat. Explains the physiology of the dorsal vagal shutdown state Dr. Aimie describes in this episode.

3. Attachment and Loss. Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 3: Loss, Sadness and Depression. Basic Books. Foundational work on how attachment patterns formed in childhood shape adult grief responses.

4. The Neuroscience of Grief. O'Connor, M.F. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. HarperOne. Recent work mapping how the brain encodes attachment and processes loss. Relevant to the neural remapping practice in Principle 6.

5. Body-Based Trauma Resolution. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking. Influential work establishing somatic and body-based work as central to trauma resolution. Provides scientific context for the practices Dr. Aimie applies in this episode.

   
   

Disclaimer: By listening to this podcast, you agree not to use this podcast as medical, psychological, or mental health advice to treat any medical or psychological condition in yourself or others. This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your own physician, therapist, psychiatrist, or other qualified health provider regarding any physical or mental health issues you may be experiencing.

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